Nothing is constant but change

An odd week. My grandfather passed way, and that was alright. His funeral services are today, which would've been his 90th birthday. I'd say that's a good span of time for mortality. My thoughts are mostly on my Mom, and her siblings as they make it through an emotionally arduous day. I'm hoping she will do alright without having any of her six kids there - Canada is just too far away in the middle of the school year, and the middle of the work week. She has Dad.

My eyes are aching again, which leads to some near-migraine headaches. I feel like I'm in a bit of a medicinal fog when I take the antihistamines and pain killers, but I've got to get relief. I wonder if Lasik (getting rid of my contacts since I developed an allergic condition to some component of the lens make-up) would really be the answer, or if its just something in the Texas air ... anyway, I'm glad for Zyrtec.

Here's my musing for today. I've heard other people talk about an aching gap, or unfillable hole that everyone carries in their souls. In the past I've attributed it to divine discontent; we miss being in heaven, where we came from. Mortality can't fill that up. We don't know (or perhaps "remember" is a better term) the specifics of what we left behind, but, we're always searching for more, for better, or for different, for our lives. What will make us feel content or complete, or perhaps, just sustainably happy? Or, sometimes we give up searching, and just put ourselves on auto-pilot, and accept the ache. Some of my dearest are aching right now. I'm praying for heavenly help for them, and to know if I can help fill the gap in some small mortal way.

But right now, I need a quick nap. Dentist appts for kids this afternoon, Pinewood Derby tomorrow night, and vacuuming and laundry to boot.

Thanksgiving @ Grandma's house

I love Thanksgiving week. I may even becoming more fond of it than Christmas week. I love the fall colors, and seeing the leaves dance down the street in the wind. It is a season thick with nostalgia for me. This year, even moreso. It is the first year that there won't be an enormous gathering of Walker relatives at 519 B Street for Thanksgiving dinner. More importantly, my Grandma, Beth Walker, won't be at 519 B Street for Thanksgiving. She has popped in and out of my thoughts the last two weeks. The closing hymn last week Sunday was "Love at Home"; I was singing my solid alto, but as we began the last verse, I suddenly remembered singing this with all my grown cousins at her funeral in February. Tears filled my eyes and I had to stop singing - not out of sadness, but just missing her, and remembering the potent spirit that was a part of her funeral services. Today, driving home from Target, my 4-year old son Christian pipes up from the back of van, "Mom, you know what? We haven't seen Grandma Beth in a long, long time". This came from completely out of the blue. I asked him, "Christian, do you remember that Grandma Beth is in heaven now?". He answered, "Yes. I remember we visited her and she gave us balloons to play with" (he was two, which makes this all the more remarkable). It was a sweet moment; of course, it makes me wonder where his little 4-year old mind was traipsing about to be thinking of her, too. She was an amazing matriarch of the family. How we miss her, especially this week.

Day One

I often envy college students about this time of year - a semester is wrapping up, and there is an "end" in sight. Sure, it comes with harried finals weeks and cramming, but each time they walk out of a final, there is that rush of "finito!". For good or bad, they're done with that class. And then, when they walk out of their last final, the finito is compounded with freedom, often accompanied by a 3-week break, holidays at home, late nights and sleeping in. But more than those things, I envy the promise of a new beginning that will come with a new semester. New subjects, new teachers, and a chance to start fresh. If you were a slacker last semester, you can make a complete turn-around and become an ace student, akin to a scholastic rebirth. You can move into a new apartment complex, a new student ward, and have new roommates, new friends. Complete clean slate of life.

Adult life does not offer many options for fresh starts, a la a new semester, but events of two months ago came pretty close. A move, a new home, a new ward, a new baby (I guess that qualifies as one new roommate), a new school year for my kids ... however, our fresh start package didn't include the 3-week break, holidays and sleeping in. But the late nights did come with the baby.

So, here's my Day One blogging, following in the cyber footsteps of my two sisters, a sister-in-law, and some good friends. Here's a toast to fresh starts, the possiblity of positive change, and as my kids would say, "to paying guests!".